


Anaxiphilia

by NormieScum



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Drugs, F/M, Fem Eren Jaeger, Fluff, I don;t really have a plan for this, Pregnancy, Smut, but its fun to write, erejean - Freeform, jeaneren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-19 04:37:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9419060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormieScum/pseuds/NormieScum
Summary: ❝You told me I was like the Dead Sea,You'll never sink when you are with me,Oh Lord, I'm your Dead Sea❞





	1. Ethereal

**Author's Note:**

> I really need to get back into writing and I've had a strong muse for this one JeanEren au my partner and I did so these two are ripped from that. It's mostly free form but a lot of the ends will get tied up in later chapters. There's a little smut at the end so skip over that if you're not interested in that, but I couldn't resist. It's been a rough couple weeks for me and I desperately needed some otp feels to brighten my mood so this is the final result. Anyway, I'll update soon and as always; thank you <3 :) 
> 
> Also if the fight seems rushed, it isn't over by any means. I just see Jean and Eren being the ones that can't stay mad at each other for long. Even canonly, their feuds are short lived. Even the big ones.

vibrantly colored blue and red swirls that formed a tattoo on his arm were a charming distraction from the sun setting over the sea. It was a sea horse, symbolic to his disposition and interests. The horizon was a lively shade of orange and the overwhelming crashing of waves wouldn’t cease long enough for her to think. The tears swelling in the corners of her eyes mirrored her overall shattered morale and his heart ached for her. Jean’s hazel eyes scanned over Eren’s facial features. He admired her; the good, the bad, her everything. Brilliant emerald eyes heavy with distress. Her soft blush against porcelain skin, the way her forehead scrunched each time she shut her eyes. He was lost in all of this detail that he’d always overlooked. He’d always told her he loved her out of habit but he never really meant it.

Or at least he thought he didn’t.

In all honesty, he’d been cheating on her for some time. Months, even. Eren knew for awhile and they’d been dancing around the issue for some time. Countless fights but neither of them could ever come to a conclusion. Jean was a free spirit and didn’t like feeling chained. He never planned on settling down with anyone, let alone the girl that he fought with countless times a day. Jean’s hand went to his unkempt hair to tousle the thick tresses of dirty blond. His surfboard was propped beside them along with a towel. While he was soaking wet from surfing, he didn’t dry off. Gladly draping it over Eren’s shoulders when he noticed the brunette shiver. She flinched away but ultimately accepted his gesture. The low cries escaping from between her pursed lips hurt Jean more than anything he’d ever imagined they would. He could tell she was trying to be quiet so he couldn’t hear her. He knew that normally, she’d yell and fight him but she wasn’t. That’s how he knew how upset she was.

The brunette’s hand shook as she raised it to fix the barrette in her hair. With ease, she removed the blue seashell clasp so that the messy locks framed her face just right. He could see the freckles on her cheeks and nose, she hadn’t had them when they first met but all of the extra time she’d spent in the sun with him had changed her. He’d affected her both physically and mentally and he loved it. The white sundress she was wearing matched her white gladiator style sandals. Quite frankly, saying she was gorgeous wasn’t enough. He’d never felt like someone was mentally pulling him closer. Before he knew it, his palm of his hand was rested against the sand and he was leaning against her. Eren gently fell against his chest; regrettably, but she couldn’t stop herself. She was mad at him and she knew that she should break up with him but there were a lot of factors stopping her. Mostly her love for him.

It was a long time before either of them spoke, words couldn’t accurately represent the situation from either side. He knew he fucked up and she knew that he regretted it but was it enough? They loved to be together but both of them knew they were better apart.

“I love you.” He whispered in her ear, she stayed silent. He choked up mid-sentence which was no surprise because it felt like he’d swallowed rocks. His gravelly voice was strained as was his heart. He hesitated before saying anything else, this being the first time he’d initiated any sort of romance. “I know I don’t say it often…or sincerely. I’m sorry.” She’s still quiet and he’s becoming frustrated. His honest declarations of love seem monotonous to her because she couldn’t possibly know what’s going on in his head. It isn’t obvious at first that he’s finally genuine because he’s been saying it all along.

She blinks away tears and wipes away the makeup that’s collecting under her eyes. Confused by what he means, she opens her mouth to speak but no words come out. Snapping her mouth shut, only for her lips to quiver and a sob to force its way out.

“Eren…I don’t know what to say. I regret it all.”

Eren shakes her head and laughs. Not that she finds it funny, she’s overflowing with emotions and can barely sort them at this point.

“You cheated on me!” She screams, her high pitch voice becoming a screech in between tones. “/Me/!” She pokes her own chest, hard enough to inflict a minor pain. Wincing when he nods, she hugs her arms around herself and lets out an exhausted sigh.

“How many times?” Jean tenses up at her question, counting the times in his head.

“5.” He remarks and instantly feels her body tense; this all feels like a slap to the face but he knows he deserves whatever happens.

“Only five?” She’s sarcastic but he doesn’t notice.

“…yes?” Now mostly dried off, he pulls his t-shirt on. His board shorts are still damp but the air is still warm enough that he isn’t cold.

“You’re such a fucking idiot.” Her voice seems different now. More reinforced than before, he should’ve known that not even a situation like this would bring her down. He’s thankful for that, the last thing he wanted was to actually hurt her. His poor self-control issues were the only motivation he had to actually cheat.

“I know.” For once, he doesn’t argue.

“I don’t think I can even talk about this right now…there’s just so much going on, Jean. What are we gonna do?”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“You’re ridiculous, of course I’m fucking mad at you.” She stands up, extending her arm to him to help him off the ground. He reluctantly accepts, half expecting her to punch him instead. He wouldn’t even mind that. Once standing, he realizes how small she is in comparison. He’s over 6” which makes him much taller than a lot of women; but she seems particularly small. The moonlight plays against the sand, making it appear to have a sparkle. The moment is beautiful, he just wished they could enjoy it. “There’s a lot on my mind right now, can we get out of here and talk it out..?”

“Of course.” His voice is gentle, a rare occurrence. Slipping into his flip-flops and grabbing the board to slide under his arm, he starts in the direction of his apartment. She follows behind him, her arms crossed awkwardly across her chest.

“Were we ever really dating in your mind?” She questions and when he thinks about it, he’s never actually devoted himself to another person the way she wants him too. He starts to say yes but quickly changes his answer to no.

“I’ve never been comfortable with another person. I’ve always had a flighty personality I guess…you deserve better.” The last portion of his comment is something he recalls off of cheesy romance movies, he recites it awkwardly as the words are not his own.

“I know. I want better.” She walks beside him now, the towel still wrapped over her shoulders like a cape. She holds the two ends together against her chest. “…but I also want you.” He’s disappointed at first, he hadn’t expected her to agree.

“Maybe…I can change or something-” He clears his throat, hoping to get rid of any excess awkwardness that might be wedged in there. He’s quickly uncomfortable and he wants to tell her never mind and dump her, but he can’t.

“I don’t know. You know that most people don’t change…and you’re also not the most reliant person.”

“You know that’s not true.” Arguably he was loyal, just not trustworthy. He’d cheated on her but he’d never not be on her side. She pauses, thinking over what to say to him.

“How could you?” He stops and waits until she starts moving again; which brings them to the front door to his apartment. Opening the door, he’s silent until they’ve reached the second floor and are inside of his apartment. Locking the door behind them, he shivers. The air smells like salt water and a variety of different scented candles. Mostly jasmine & orange. He’d left them burning before he left and although it dangerous, he’s glad he did because the scent relaxes him a bit. Jean shivers, briskly moving to turn off the air conditioner. The apartment is much cooler than it is outside so it isn’t long before he’s throwing his wet clothes into the hamper.

“Let me change…then we can talk. Get yourself a drink.” He means a soda or a glass of water but expects her to grab a beer. He goes to his room, which is shockingly clean. He’d always been tidy and she likes that about him because she’s the exact opposite.

Jean returns, wearing a loose fitting tie-dye sweater that exposes his collar bones and a pair of gray sweats. When he notices that she has a glass of water instead of alcohol, he’s slightly shocked.

“Well, well. Not drinking? Mind if I do?” he questions, slightly more talkative than before. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, Jean pops the tab off and sits on the couch beside her. Pulling a blanket from the chair beside them, he covers both of them with it. She brushes the statement off, looking at him expectantly. Taking a sip, he uses his free hand to rub his chin. There’s more stubble than he usually allows but he likes how it is now.

“I don’t know…I didn’t really think about it. I told you when we first started hooking up that I wasn’t looking for anything serious and I guess I didn’t really expect you to ask me out when you did. That doesn’t have anything to do with why I did it though. Because there isn’t really a reason. I was just bored and I didn’t use my head. I dunno.” He’s soft, she feels the tears coming on again. Although she isn’t happy with what he’s saying, she senses a certain sincerity that she didn’t notice with him before. “I think I have a problem.” His eyes narrow at his own remark and he’s crucial over his previous actions. Before her, he’d hooked up a lot. Too much to count, and now he isn’t sure whether he actually has a problem or whether he’s just using it as an out.

“What kind of problem?”

“An addiction…I don’t know.”

“Mm.” She mumbled, sipping at water awkwardly.

“Look, Eren, I’m really sorry I just…I don’t know how to fix this. Just tell me how I can fix this.”

“You can’t.” He scoots closer, taking another sip from the bottle before setting it down on the coffee table.

“Why not..? Please-…there has to be something. Anything. I can give you my word it won’t happen again.”

“Won’t it?” Sarcastic at best, she tries not to think about how hurt she is. Pathetically, she’d decided she wasn’t going to leave him back on the beach. But she isn’t about to just forgive him, and she’ll definitely never forget he did this to her. “Look Jean…I don’t want to break up. I want to work through it. But I’m not going to lie. It’s gonna be hard.” Instantly, he feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders but it’s quickly replaced with boundless expectations.

“Oh god, Eren…I promise I’ll behave.” He sounds like a kid who’s been promised McDonalds for good behavior and it’s easy for her to see that he’s genuine. She just hopes he doesn’t change his mind later on down the road.

“You do realize I’ll never be able to forget about this right? I’m always gonna have that thought in the back of my head…that /you/ did this to me. You hurt me, Jean. I’m not going to be the same for a while. You know that? I haven’t forgiven you. And if you do it again…I’ll leave you for good.” He’s silent for some moments, calculating the odds that he’ll be able to control himself. He’s grateful for the chance to make things right but living with that crushing expectation is something he isn’t looking forward to. For the sake of going the extra mile, he decides to blurt out an idea.   

“I promise, I’ll make things right…I’ll even go to an addict meetings. Learn how to control this- myself.” She nods, the idea sounds earnest. “Please don’t leave me. I love you, I’m so sorry I let you down. But…you can count on me from here on out.” She doesn’t have much faith in him, but for the sake of moving forward from this, she doesn’t argue. He holds his pinky finger out and she grudgingly laces her pinky around his. “Pinky promise.”

“Uh-huh.” She cracks a smile, but the look in her eyes is still there. His frown deepens, the look is disbelief mixed with struggle and insecurity.  He learns to hate it quickly and it feels like she’s looking right through him which is even worse than the shadows in her eyes. “You should know something else.” She starts, her brow creasing and she shuts her eyes. He felt spellbound for a moment, gradually tilting his head keenly.

“What is it?” She opens her eyes and reaches for one of his hands. Eagerly, he squeezes her small hand. Admiring the pale grey nail polish that hasn’t begun to start chipping before his eyes meet with her grimace. She’s chewing on her lip and staring at him blankly. Instead of the scarlet tint her skin usually has, she’s completely pale. “Eren..are you okay?”

“I’m pregnant.” He wants to gasp but can’t even do that much. He’d always been so careful to avoid this because he had always been clear that he didn’t want children.

“This is a joke right?” He’s bitter for a moment until a flicker of disappointment fell over her face. Disenchanted with the idea of hurting her again, he quickly forces himself to get over it. “I’m uh…I’m sorry? I was careful- I thought you were on birth control.”

“I’m not.” She admits. Shockingly, she’s okay with this. They’re young and given the current events, he isn’t the most dependable but she has faith that things will work out. She’d always been optimistic for the future, it’d brought her disappointment in the past but it was hard for her to just give up on them. 

“Well what do you wanna do about /it/?”

“When you say it are you referring to our child or?” She’s hostile, he quickly rethinks his approach.

“I uh…you don’t wanna have it, do you?” Not that he’d ever admit it, but selfishly he hopes that she doesn’t want to do this. Her hand rests on her stomach, nothing has changed yet but she can’t help herself.

“I know you said you don’t want kids…but I wanna do this. I can’t bring myself to do anything else.” His eyes shut and he counts backward from twenty. Deep down, Jean is angry. With himself, for all of this. He’d fucked up so bad and there wasn’t any way to rewrite it. But even her, he’s mad at her for not breaking to what he wants. It’s selfish, he knows that but he can’t help himself. He doesn’t let that side out, however, instead he opens his eyes and forces a smile. She doesn’t deserve any more trouble tonight.

“Okay…we can work this out. We’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with.” He leans forward to kiss her forehead. She lunges away at first but hurriedly stops herself. Not before he notices, however.

“You alright?”

“Yeah- I mean, no. Not really. But I’m getting there.”

“I’m not goin’ anywhere. If that’s what you were thinking.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever been this sweet with me. I just wish I could enjoy it.”

“Me too.” He sighs, his eyelids dropping to half-lids. “I hope you know I’d never hurt you on purpose. I guess I never really took this seriously before. I know it’s cliché but I didn’t realize that I actually loved you until after I thought there was a chance you’d leave…” She feels warm for a moment, clutching her fist to her chest. The gentle palpations of her heart noticeable.

“I know what you mean, sometimes it didn’t even feel like we were dating. Neither of us were good, I was pretty awful to you at times…I just want both of us to try now.” He makes eye contact with her but only for a moment.

“I’m still kinda uncomfortable doing this whole relationship thing. In a lot of ways, this is my first relationship. But I’m going to try now.” He scoots closer, his arm lacing around her shoulders while his free hand rests on her thigh. He massages gently, eliciting a soft moan from her. He’s immediately thinking of taking things further despite the poor timing and current inelegance.  

“You’re kidding me.” While she does sound annoyed, she doesn’t do anything to stop him.

“Is that a no?” His voice is playful and within seconds his lips are against her neck. Gently kissing at first but the kissing quickly picks up to biting. Her neck involuntarily tilts to the side to give him more room, she always feels like her body goes into auto drive when they’re together. She doesn’t put any thought into her actions and even though she’s pissed at him still, she craves the attention.

“It’s not a no. But you’re such a dog.” She rests the palm of her hand on his chest before bunching the fabric of his shirt into her fist to pull him closer.

“You can’t resist me.” The low growl in his voice turns to a demanding, needy whimper as slides his hand from her thigh further up her leg so that he’s struggling with the hem of her dress. She spreads her thighs, slinking down on the couch some. Once he’s between her legs, he uses two of his fingers to tease over her panties. She whimpered delicately, falling apart at his touch. Eren was disappointed in herself for not being able to stop him. One of her hands cupped his wrist as he touched her. He went slow on purpose, giving her time to settle into the mood.

“Don’t leave hickeys all over my neck, some of us have to work tomorrow.” She scolded, his lips curving into a grin against her neck. She gained pleasure from feeling it, arching her body against his.

“I like marking you though.” He had always been oddly possessive and without even realizing it, her being pregnant would make him even more so. Wrapping an arm around his neck, she leaned in to whisper in his ear with the intention of driving him nuts.

“You’re so bad, I don’t know why you turn me on so much.” Her fingers trailed down his neck, scratching over his tanned skin gently.

“I’m bad..? You’re the one taunting me.” There was a moment of silence, Jean kissed his way down her neck and onto her chest. Gently nipping along her collarbone, his hand working under the fabric to finger her. She gasped, her body jolting in response to the relieving sensation. She cupped her own breasts, pulling the fabric back so that she was exposing more skin for him to kiss. Eagerly reacting, he dragged his teeth across the top of one of her breasts.

“You’re already hard aren’t you?” She teased, although it wasn’t really a shock.

“Duh.” He teased over her clit with two fingers until her breathing picked up and once she wiggled against him even more, he thrust his fingers inside of her. “You must really want me.” She was wet and it was hard for him to pace himself. She looked up at him, her lips jutted into a pout.

“Don’t push it.”    

 “Yes mam’” Half-heartedly, she palmed over his sweatpants. Part of her wasn’t ready to go this far just yet but at the same time, she needed a distraction from how upset she’d been. It wasn’t like she was rewarding him, she liked the sex too. Sometimes, even more than him it seemed.

“I like when you’re like that.” She admitted, he responded with a puzzled glance. Although he didn’t stop touching her. “You talk to me like I’m the boss. It’s empowering that you’re doing all the work and all I have to do is lay here and enjoy myself.” One of his well-groomed eyebrows raised along with his lips, forming a grin.

“Oh yeah? You are the boss. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” She was undeniably a power-bottom and he loved it. Squeezing his cock through the grey fabric, Eren looked up at him to admire the way his face contorted with pleasure. His eyes rolled and he let out a desperate moan. She loved how frantic and needy he became when they were like this; she knew that he had little self-control when they were intimate.

Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore; pulling away from her and shoving his sweats off, Jean tossed aside his shirt and sat back down on the couch beside her. She stared at him for a few seconds, taking in the sight. For the longest time, she tried to deny being into him. They’d gone to high school together and it’d been nothing but fighting but once they matured, it was obvious that there was a lot of sexual tension between them. His hands went to her hips and he dragged her into his lap. Instead of taking her panties off beforehand, he reached between her legs and pushed them off to the side. Tugging roughly at her dress, Jean tried to take it off. Intervening out of fear that he’d rip it like he’d done in the past, she gripped the fabric and quickly shoved it off. There wasn’t a second that passed before one of Jean’s hands went to her bra strap to unlatch it. He looked over her body, her large breasts pressed to his chest. Without even thinking about it, he blurted out worrisome remarks.

“You’re okay with this?” He rested a hand on her hip and his other on the top of her thigh. “I just want you to be comfortable.” She wasn’t comfortable doing this so soon but she wanted to do it either way.

“I want you.” She admitted, and he nodded. She raised herself up a bit and his hand went to the base of his cock and she slowly slid herself onto him. Her heart ached but her entire body was throbbing with pure ecstasy; it was hard to ignore how good he made her feel. She shuttered on top of him, adjusting to his size. Eren laced her arms around his neck and leaned against him, he eagerly reacted by placing his hands on her hips to bound her up and down slowly at first. He let out approving grunts mixed with occasional mutters of ‘fuck’ or ‘oh god’. Eren arched her back in a way that drove both of them insane, this was her favorite position because she felt so close to him. He enthusiastically kissed her and she kissed back, forgetting about the day’s troubles for the time being.

Jean nuzzled his face against her chest, both of his hands on her breasts now; he scattered kisses over her skin. Self-indulgently sucking on occasional spots with the intent of leaving marks. He hadn’t expected to get this close to her for a while after what he’d done but he was thankful for it. Something about the way they fit together now seemed different. For the first time, he knew what love making felt like. The gentle rhythm of her moving in his lap mixed with the soft sounds they were both making was enough evidence. Sliding his hands down the front of her body, Jean wrapped his arms around her to hold her in an embrace and snuggle against her shoulder. She was shocked by this behavior, it seemed so foreign compared to what he was usually like. Rough, and distant. She quickly matched his behavior by cupping his cheeks and pulling him into a passionate kiss.

“I love you, idiot.” She muttered, her eyes searching for something in his. She brushed their bottom lips together before kissing him impatiently again.

“I love you too, gorgeous.” He let out a strained laugh, over stimulated from how good she felt and a little bit drunk on the moment. After how awful things had been recently, this felt like a breath of fresh air. They fought, a lot. And it was difficult to ignore the fact that the relationship was anything but easy but at the end of the day they fought for each other. “I’m not gonna last much longer…” he admitted, embarrassed by how quickly things had heated up. She stopped moving for a few seconds to give him a chance to cool down but it honestly made things harder for him to feel her throb around his cock.

“It’s okay…I’ll just use you to take care of myself if I have to.” She poked the tip of his nose playfully, he didn’t know whether to be insulted or turned on by her brash approach. Eren reached for his hands, holding them above his head so that she was in complete control. He looked up at her just in time to notice she was crying again, which he quickly tried to pull away to comfort her.

“No.” She argued, sniffling away the tears and sadness.

“…Are you okay? Baby, what’s wrong?”

“You know. Just shut up, okay? I just wanna enjoy this.” He was inconsiderately thankful when she shut her eyes and he didn’t have to see that look in her eyes. The one that would most likely haunt him forever. He leaned forward enough to kiss at her delicate skin, letting out instinctive moans of pleasure. He didn’t even warn her before cumming; she was pregnant already so it didn’t even matter. She quickly noticed what was going on because his whole body went stiff and she felt him fill her. The satisfaction of bringing him to this point by herself excited her. Her name came from his lips over and over as he fell submissive to her; desperately attempting to tug his wrists from her grip. She didn’t let go of him until she felt him relax under her. He panted, desperately trying to catch his breath as he wrapped his arms around her.  

“God, you’re good…” He let out a loud sigh and watched her, she hadn’t stopped yet and if anything her movements were more aggressive now.

“Shut up, I’m close.” She admitted, feeling the heat coil in her pelvis. Her whole body felt hot and her cheeks flushed a brilliant scarlet. Jean felt fortunate to get a chance to watch this; normally he was so caught up in his own orgasm he didn’t get to appreciate hers.

“Feel good?” His features softened and he rested his hands on the tops of her thighs to hold her down against him.

“Mhm…I can’t stop thinking about you-” She admitted, he desperately thought of things to say. Dirty talk was something he was normally good at but right now, he was coming up short.

“What about me?” Egotistical, but he frankly wanted to know.       

“How good it felt when you came in me.” She gasped out shamelessly, scratching her nails into his chest. He was physically uncomfortable, messy and trying to recover with her doing this was difficult but he couldn’t care any less because he was too caught up in her beauty.

“Yeah…I liked that, you’re pretty good at this. I don’t know how I got so lucky.” He mused, reaching up to brush her hair away from her face. “God, you’re beautiful.”

“So are you, dork.” They both smiled, only she was desperately shaking and it was obvious she bordering ecstasy. Her body moved in a way that put Jean in a trance and before he knew it, she was letting out loud shrieks of pleasure. He always thought she faked her noises, they were so loud and frantic but right now he could see this wasn’t acting. She was hugging him to her and after a few seconds of crying out for him, she fell completely still in his lap. He traced circles over her shoulder blade with his fingers, too worn out to even move at first.  

“There you go, baby…”

“I love you, Jean.”

“I love you too…”

“I know.” Her eyes fluttered and he felt her body going limp in his grasp. Within seconds, she was asleep. He didn’t move but after a while it became uncomfortable. Standing up, he carried her to his bedroom; instinctively her legs and arms laced around his body. When he was in the room, he pulled back the blankets and gently laid her on the bed. She curled around one of his pillows and he didn’t think she’d wake up until the next morning.

He covered her before going to the bathroom to start his shower. Holding his hand under the water, he waited until it was scalding hot before stepping into it. The water hit his sweaty body and sore muscles, bringing him quick relief. But almost instantly, his face contorted with apprehension. Immediately hit with the urge to cut and run, he let out a resisted sob. Jean rested his palm against the cold tile while his free hand cupped his forehead and over his eyes. Red, puffy circles formed under his eyes and he realized his life was only going to get more difficult from here. He was completely trapped.  

   


	2. Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean fucks up a lot and maybe he isn't what Eren is looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to break things even more before I can make them better :)

The strong scent of coffee and freshly baked pastries hit Jean’s nose like the friendliest welcome. The stiff, restricting material of his uniform clung to his firm body but he hardly noticed it. Sleep, or lack thereof, drooped from his piercing hazel eyes and his neatly groomed hair shaped his face to give him a sophisticated yet somewhat modest look. The gun holstered at his waist was a sure warning sign that there would be no misconduct in the area. He wore his badge proudly, regardless of the occasional sneers and abuse it got him. That was a lot of the job, being abused by the public with little to no reward. Occasionally he helped someone but most of the time he wore the suit to be someone’s personal villain. He loved the job, but also, he really hated it. His mother begged him to do something easier. Safer. Which in the beginning was all he wanted but a fire within him ignited the moment he spoke to the chief, Erwin Smith.

 “Hey!” her voice rung out, smooth and sweet as caramel. Jean turned to look towards the front of the shop where Eren was leaning over the counter eagerly as she did every morning for a kiss. The owner, Levi, wasn’t fond of their PDA but for the most part he simply ignored it. The tall blond’s lips curved into a halfhearted smile as he bent his knees to accommodate her height. When he pulled out of the kiss, he noticed the faint taste of cherry on her lips. It was a bittersweet moment, seeing her after all they’d been through the day before. He could hear the rasp in her throat as she spoke and there were red bags under her eyes; she’d been crying recently. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask about it, he knew why and he didn’t blame her. His eyes immediately went to her stomach and even if she wasn’t showing at all, he still somehow saw a change in her. He just knew. From the way her skin had a heavenly glow to it yet she seemed exhausted, painfully so. It could’ve been from the new revelations she’d come to about him, he’d heard of situations like that but this wasn’t the case. He’d made this beautiful, young girl a mother and while that was exciting in a sense he also couldn’t help but loath  the idea. He loathed the idea of her getting stretchmarks and extra fat. And the thought of her mood swings and personality changes. And of course, the baby itself. Caught up in all of his thoughts, he barely heard a word she was saying.

“…Jean?” She gave him that puzzled glance, he could tell she was trying to figure him out. She looked horribly terrified too.

“Sorry. Rough day.” He muttered quietly, a hushed whisper as it was some elaborate secret when it was only a white lie.

“Oh-…What happened?” She questioned, eagerly awaiting his answer so she could offer up herself to help him when he knew damn well he should be the one caring for her. Eren was like that, she was motherly already. She was going to be an excellent mom, regardless of what happened with him. He knew that and wanted to tell her that but just didn’t.

“Eh. Lots of paperwork.” Paperwork. That’s all it was. It wasn’t nearly as difficult as chasing down criminals in the California heat or being spit on by a drug dealer. It wasn’t technically a difficult day but it was the hardest day of the year in his book. His voice showed genuine disinterest and he could practically feel the heartbreak radiating off of her. Her brow knit and her eyes fell to half lids in disappointment.

“Where’s Officer Zacharias? It’s not like him to miss coffee.” Mike, Jean’s partner, was a quirky guy. He flirted with everyone without intent. He just liked making people smile. One of the few genuinely good people left in the world and Jean was lucky enough to learn under him.

“He’s back at the precinct. I’m supposed to deliver to him now I guess.” Jean offers up a genuine smile, the most emotion he’d shown since their hookup the night before. She smiles in return, relief washing over her like a wave.

“Ah. Delivery boy suits you, Kirschtein.” She winks at him, before her eyes divert down lower. When Jean turns, he sees a middle-aged woman standing behind him with a little boy in tow. The kid can’t be more than 7 and he’s holding a matchbox police cruiser. Stepping aside, Jean doesn’t leave the counter; casually sipping his coffee as he waits on Eren to get the mother’s coffee. He smiles when he spots the toy car, pointing it out to the little boy.

“Hey, nice car, kid.” He offers him a warm smile, the little boy’s bright, blue eyes shifting upward in awe. Jean can tell he’s looking at his badge, it’s one of the few perks of the job.

“Lucas has wanted to be a police officer since he learned to talk.” The mother intervenes, smiling at the pair.

“Is that so?” He questions, raising one of his perfectly groomed eyebrows as he crouches down to be at the kid’s eye level. Reaching into his pocket, he withdraws a sticker that’s printed to look like a police badge. It’s one of the things they always carry because this happens more often than it doesn’t and the chief boasts that kid’s with positive police experiences grow up to respect the law.

“You’re my hero.” The little boy announces, his hands clasped together as a shy smile rises against his chubby cheeks. Jean’s heart practically shatters and if he could see the look on Eren’s face, she’s feeling the same thing. He laughs, peeling the sticker away from the waxy paper before placing it gently against Luca’s shirt in the same spot his is.

“I’m honored, buddy. We always need help on the force. When you grow up, maybe you can be your own hero.” He salutes and Lucas copies before Jean gets back to his feet. The mother thanks him before the pair leave the coffee shop and for a moment he feels lost. In the moment, he hadn’t even put thought into it but now the look on Eren’s face has him terrified of what she’s about to saw. Her hand, hidden by the counter, is rested against her stomach and there’s an aching in her chest

“I should get back, Mike isn’t himself without his-” The crying begins Jean is at a loss for words. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” It’s obvious she isn’t but she hands the second to-go cup to him and backs away from the counter to sit at a booth near the window. She’s looking over the boardwalk towards the ocean. Such a vast amount of space makes her feel so free but trapped behind the window of the coffee shop, trapped in this situation she feels so small. She expects Jean to just leave as he usually does but instead he sees the man approach the booth and sit down across from her. He hands her a napkin to blow her nose and cautiously reaches across the marble tabletop to hold one of her hands.

“You’re not alright.”

“No.” She’s hugging an arm around her stomach still and barely notices when his legs tangle around hers under the booth. It’s like he’s two different people trapped in one; sometimes he’s emotionally vacant and other times he does all of the right things. She feels robbed, seeing him interact with other kids that way but practically running in the other direction at the idea of his own.

“I’m not expecting you to adjust right away…I just wish you’d give me some sign that you’re not going to-” She stops, not wanting to admit to herself what she’s thinking. He squeezes her small hand gently, trying to offer up the only reassurance he knows how without giving her empty promises. He can’t promise he’ll stick around. He can’t even promise he’ll want anything to do with this child right now, so he shushes her.

“I’m trying and…I really love you, Eren.” Of course, he loves her, but is it enough?

The radio on his hip cuts them off, blaring out information that Eren doesn’t understand but Jean sure seems to. The subtle demand for attention that she wishes she could offer up doesn’t go unnoticed. If only she could be like that. Eren is fully aware of how selfish it, but she wants to keep him all to herself if only for a day. Just to know how rewarding it must feel to have his full attention. Their relationship was anything but stable; they could be downright cruel to each other at times but when things were good, they were perfect together. The officer doesn’t hesitate, he gets to his feet quickly and leans down to press a kiss to her forehead.

“We’ll talk about it tonight, okay? You can stay at my place tonight, I’ll buy you dinner.” She nods and watches him leave. The hardest sight she’s ever had to adjust to. Eren hates leaving conversations with him unfinished and it happens more often than it doesn’t. In his career, she can never be sure whether he’s going to come back after work. She doesn’t put a lot of trust into his promise since he’s stood her up so many times. Even if it is part of the job, it still hurts her. Especially now, after everything, she’s discovered.

Roughly twelve hours later, Eren finds herself on the boardwalk. Standing in the chilly, evening air watching the sun begin to set. She’s waiting for him to change out of the uniform and meet her for dinner. He’s late, as usual, but he’s promised he’ll be there. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t dress up for him but now, she’s wearing a little black dress that fits her curves and a pair of strappy black sandals. Her hair is neatly curled and her makeup is done with finesse. When she finally sees him approaching her, she sighs in relief because he’s clearly put time into his appearance too. He’s wearing crisp white jeans and a button up shirt that coyly has the top three buttons undone so that his collarbones are exposed. He hasn’t shaved in a couple days and his hair is tousled to give him a rugged look, which she loves. His aviator shades lay amongst his dirty blond hair and he smiles warmly when he sees her.

“Hey, beautiful.” He holds his arms out expecting her to leap into them like she used to do but she doesn’t. This is one of the most obvious signs that things aren’t the same. He drops his arms, instead of reaching out to wrap his arm around her shoulders.

“You’re late.”

“I know…I’m sorry. I wanted to get cleaned up for you.” He admitted, and it’s hard for her not to melt.

“You look great.” He can’t tell if it’s sarcasm or not but he brushes it off.

Once they’re seated at a table he almost orders alcohol for the both of them until he remembers. Instead, orders a round of iced teas.

“This whole thing is gonna take some getting used to.” He teases lightheartedly, carelessly scanning the menu. When he looks across the table, he sees that she’s doing the same. “So…how was work?”

“It was alright, I thought the coffee bean smell would make me sick but it isn’t.” He hums, listening eagerly to her tell him about her day. It’s easier to comprehend now than it was earlier. Leaving her doesn’t even cross his mind once and the idea of being a dad doesn’t seem so bad. The uncertainty isn’t a constant state of mind. It fluctuates and right now, he welcomes the idea. His openness quickly helps Eren perk up; he can see she really needs this.

“/So/, have you made an appointment?”

“Yeah in a few weeks. We-…” she stops, he can see the fear in her eyes. As if she thinks she’s taken a step over a cliff that he wasn’t ready to jump off of. So she corrects herself. “I get to hear her heartbeat. And see how far along I am. I’m really excited.” There’s a sinking feeling Jean gets, anxiously sipping his tea.

“Do you want me to go?” Jean brushes off the mention of the baby’s gender as mere speculation; assuming that it was just easier for her to say or it’d slipped out.

“Not if you don’t want to.” He pauses, thinking about whether he actually wants to or not.

“I do…” His voice is soft. Sincere. “Just make sure you give me a heads up so I can skip out on a day of work.” It’s easier said than done, but he’ll do whatever he has to in order to make it happen. She looks like she’s going to cry again and he’s realizing how hard it’s going to be keeping up with all of her fragmented emotions.  

“You mean that?”

“Of course.” She reaches for his hand and he eagerly accepts. However, the moment is broken when the waitress comes to take their orders and Eren detects the slightest flirtatious hint in the woman’s voice. The way she leans over the table to take Jean’s order drives her to her boiling point. And when he seemingly flirts back right in front of her, she kicks him under the table. Groaning quietly, he looks towards her before finishing his order. The woman skips away and the brunette can’t help but think she wanted to cause problems.

“What the hell was that?”

“What was what?” He plays dumb, knowing all too well what she’s talking about. This is a reoccurring problem for the both of them. He’s been known to react the same way. Admittedly, he toys with Eren’s head because he enjoys knowing she’s jealous. He doesn’t need anyone to tell him its cruel because he already knows but there’s something in him that makes him not want to stop.

“You know, jackass.” He laughs in response.

“Ah, I was wondering when that pet name would make a comeback.” His eyes roll and he becomes irritated with her. “You can be such a brat. I didn’t even do anything wrong.”

“/Yeah/ right. I’ll just check out the next guy waiter I see.” She looks around the restaurant for a target, her unkempt eyebrows creasing in frustration when she finds no one.

“Aha. Are you done yet?” He’s glad there’s no one around for her to ogle, even if it’s just to get back at him. Maybe he had checked out the waitress. But it was just for a second. That didn’t make it okay for her to look at other guys either and the jealousy quickly made him insufferably aggravated.

“No!” She pouts, scowling in his direction. Instead of reacting like an adult, Jean rips up his straw wrapper and tosses it at her in tiny balls; attempting to get the paper down her shirt. There’s a moment of silence before the woman brings their food and Jean knows better than to look up from his phone when she does. He’d rather seem rude than fight with Eren anymore. She seems content with his action, quickly digging into the mountain of French fries on her plate. He normally isn’t one for girls like this. Like her. But there’s just something he can’t say no to.

“Slow down, you’re gonna choke.” He warns her, carefully cutting the piece of steak on his plate but his eyes never leave her.

“Shut up.” Her mouth is full and he wants to cringe but can’t do anything other than smile. She lets out a satisfied moan and he can almost feel the people at the table next to them staring. “…does the- y’know, really make you that much hungrier?” She’s astounded by the question, unsure of how to answer. She takes the time to swallow down the food and take a drink before answering.

“Yeah.” She’s dismissive. Nervous. “I’m afraid I’m gonna get fat.” He laughs it off, shaking his head before realizing that she’s serious.

“Are you kidding me? You’re beautiful and having a baby isn’t going to change that.” She doesn’t respond but he knows how grateful she is that he told her that. Compliments don’t come often from him and when he says something, she knows he means it. But paranoia strikes her; how many girls does he say stuff like this too?

He pays the bill obviously if anything he’s a gentleman.

As they’re walking back to his car, she’s hugging her arms around herself.

“Comin’ back to my place?” She hesitates.

“Is that okay?”

“wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t.”

“I just- …don't want to push you.” He sighs, shrugging his shoulders loosely. He doesn’t know how to respond to all of this mushy stuff, he’s not ready for it. Instead, he slows down until he’s standing behind her. Leaning to the side, he wraps an arm around her shoulders then his other arm goes behind her thighs.

“C’mon I’m gonna carry you.”

“I just ate my weight in fries, I’ll hurt you.” She resists, laughing off her insecurities. She of average weight and he’s very built so she knows that he most likely could carry her easily but that doesn’t make her feel any better when she feels bloated and disgusting.

“You won’t, idiot.” He pulls her in, waiting for her arms to lace around his neck before walking again. His back strains at the weight but he doesn’t make a noise or say anything, he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. She watches him the entire time while his eyes are fixed ahead. Eren’s hands feel over his shoulder blades and upper back muscle; an approving hum escaping her pursed lips.

“How’d I get so lucky?” His lips curve at the edges and dimples form on his cheeks.

“I ask myself that every day.”

“You’re being so sweet now. You were kinda weird earlier.”

“Sorry.” When they get to the car, he sets her down and pulls his keys out of his back pocket. She’s immediately playing with the radio and heater. It’s 66 degrees in Los Angeles tonight but Eren insists that she’s cold. Which isn’t like her, she’s never cold. He contemplates the unconventional moment before shrugging it off as a side effect of the pregnancy. The stars hanging in the sky over the BMW feel so close but so far away at the same time. He thinks that maybe he sees the future in Eren but at the same time; he can’t be sure. It’s been like this for so long. Back and forth, they have their problems that could probably be overcome but he isn’t really certain he’s ready. She’s an optimist and he’s a realist; he knows this could hardly work but he wants to bet on it. Deep in thought, as they drive along dark backstreets, his hands are firmly gripped to the steering wheel so he barely notices her massaging his thigh. He’s so relaxed with her like this. Before he knows it, she’s kissing at his neck and practically crawling into her lap. Swerving involuntarily, he glances over at her inquiringly. 

“Eren, what are you doing?”

“I’m just in the mood.”

“I’m driving.” She continues kissing her way up to his cheek, leaving a trail of soft pink marks along his tanned skin. Her palm rests on his crotch and she gives a firm squeeze. Part of her feels obligated to do this but mostly it’s because she wants to. She wants to keep him happy; so he doesn’t feel the need to search elsewhere. But she also can barely resist the way he looks in a button up shirt.

“So…” One of her small hands is under the stiff fabric of his shirt, scratching her long nails down his stomach. He shivers and she can feel the goosebumps rise on his skin. “Can you multitask?” She questions, already unbuttoning his pants.

“Fuck, Eren. We should wait till we’re back to the apartment.” He doesn’t really mean that and thankfully she doesn’t stop. Her fingers pop the button of his jeans apart and she’s yanking at them until he sits up enough for her to pull them off. They’re almost back to the apartment so he doesn’t worry too much about being preoccupied while driving. Eren kicks her shoes off and moves closer so that she’s leaning over the console between them. She kisses him on the lips quickly; taking his length into her hand. She moves her hand lazily to tease him, he lets out a soft whimper and uses one hand to drive while placing the other on the back of her neck to subtly push her mouth downward.

“You’re eager.” She exclaims, allowing him to push her down. He’s always been the dominant one when they’re intimate while she’s typically the boss all other times.

“Yeah well, you look fucking hot tonight I can’t help myself.” His hand tangles in her hair, tugging gently. He knows she loves it. Her lips wrap around the tip of his cock and she flicks her tongue tauntingly. Just enough to make him want more. She’s been known to be a tease and he’s very impatient. He bucks his hips upward and struggles to keep his car at speed limit.

“I look hot every night.”

“Yeah…” He agrees, but he’s a little preoccupied. She finally offers some relief, taking more of his length in and humming. Choking, she pulls off for air.

“It didn’t take you long to get hard. I must be hot tonight.”

“Told you.” Admittedly, she’s not a fan of giving blowjobs. She’d always viewed herself as a girl that didn’t have to work for it but she’d do anything to keep him happy. And this wasn’t so bad, she could learn to get used to it. It was only fair since he went down on her as often as she told him to. Gagging, she continued to bob her head on his length. His free hand slid down her back to unclasp her bra; she groaned in annoyance but never stopped her actions. When he finally got to the parking lot, he threw the car into neutral and turned up the music to drown out their noises from anyone who might walk past. It was late and the parking lot was fairly secluded but he didn’t want to deal with anyone interrupting.

“That’s it, baby.” He muttered, moaning and cursing at the pleasure she was giving him. Jean pushed her head down on his length further; forcing her to take more. “I want to make you feel good too, come here.” She hesitates, she wants that too but his car isn’t exactly the most romantic setting. Of course, at this point, she doesn’t really want to wait and go all the way back to the apartment.

“Fuck, okay.” She slides her panties off, kicking them onto the floor before settling into his lap. It’s uncomfortable and she almost instantly gets a cramp. “This is really uncomfortable.” He hums in response, not really concerned with it at the moment. Her back is to his chest and she uses the handle on the ceiling to level herself. His hands are on her hips lowering her down onto his cock. Sighing in relief once he’s in her, he gently bounces her. He can feel the car shaking and he knows they should probably hurry before someone catches them but he’s thoroughly enjoying this. One of his hands goes to her breast to grope her while the other rests on her stomach. When she notices, her heart pounds against her chest and she rests her hand on top his. She never expected such a small gesture to feel so good but it does.

“You feel so good, daddy.” The nickname takes him off guard at first; he cringes it off for a second before realizing he doesn’t actually mind it.

“So do you, babe.” Jean bites her shoulder before kissing gently over her warm skin. He can feel her body contorting back against his and he can tell she’s already close by the noises she’s making. To help her, he moves a hand between her legs to finger her and she shivers at the touch. She screams his name as she hits her orgasm, frantically gripping for anything to hold onto. He stops momentarily to feel her hit her high and when she starts to come down he moves again. More aggressive this time as he tries to finish quickly so he can get her to bed. It amazes him now that he realizes she’s his primary concern; he’d never really cared like this with anyone else.

He’s so focused on her that he almost doesn’t hear the loud knock on his window. When he looks up and sees a woman standing outside of his car, he tries to wave her away. The windows are so fogged up he can barely see anything other than blonde hair.

“Go away!” He shouts, Eren fidgets nervously, fixing her dress and trying to latch her bra.

“Jean we should-”

“No.” He whispers, kissing along her neck as if the woman will just leave.

“Open the fucking door, Jean!” When he hears the familiar voice, he freezes completely. The blonde beats on the glass and he panics. Finally rolling the window down to look at her. He holds Eren in his lap so she can’t see anything but at this point, it doesn’t really matter.

“I’ve been trying to get ahold of you all day asshole,” She shouts and he doesn’t speak. Unsure of how to explain any of this to Eren. He has a gut feeling that this whole situation can only end horribly.  

“What do you want? I’m busy.” Eren’s hand is clutching Jean’s as she waits; she watches his face and she can read everything just from looking into his eyes. Her hand drops his and she forces herself not to move as much as she wants to. His arms lace around her stomach and the gentle pressure of his open palm against her stomach is enough to settle her; if only for a moment.

The girl eyes Eren up, it’s obvious she knows what’s going on and Jean takes the moment to try and get in control of the situation.

“Why don’t we talk later?” He suggests and she shakes her head.

“No!” The girl snaps, she sounds like she’s on the verge of tears but she looks fine. He can’t help but think the action is fabricated but why? “I’m pregnant.”

He feels Eren shift in his lap and the hard lump in his throat makes it impossible to breathe. A loud gasp leaves the brunette’s mouth and she moves out of his lap; uncaring of what happens or what the other girl sees. He’s quick to pull up his pants and try to stop Eren from getting out of the car but she’s gone before he can. He turns back to the blonde leaning against his door.

“Really? You’re fucking kidding me.” He’s bitter with her, even if at first it doesn’t seem fair. But when he looks up to see her smug grin, he feels the anger boil in his chest.

“Nope, dead serious.”

 “I don’t want anything to do with you.” He admits distantly, holding his head in his hands in defeat. “But I do want you to take a test in front of me because I don’t believe you. Call me later, I’ve got more important things to deal with right now.” He gets out of the car, slamming the door shut and walking into the night to find Eren. The tears gather in the corners of his eyes so that he can barely see, he crosses his arms across his chest and lets out a quiet sob. If life seemed grim before, it’s even worse now. His entire life feels like a giant gray area that he’s lost control of. The infinite possibility of everything being okay is quickly drawing to a hostile end and he doesn’t know who to hate more; himself or the women he’d used to mess his life up. Losing Eren didn’t even seem like a possibility until now. He’d always thought she’d stick with him no matter how stupid he was but if this girl really was pregnant and not just lying; it seemed impossible that she’d forgive him. Getting frustrated that he wasn’t able to find her, Jean pulled his phone out to dial her number. When he heard her voice, he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Eren, this is a misunderstanding, please just talk to me.” She doesn’t speak, her crying is enough to make him hate himself even more.

“No, Jean. I just-” She chokes up, he can hear waves crashing in the background; she’s at the beach.

“Please, I can’t lose you. I know that now…please.” Begging has never been something he’s familiar with but at this point, he’d do just about anything. “I think she’s doing this to fuck with me. I was careful with them…I was never careful with you- I told her you were pregnant, she was really mad about us. please, Eren. I chose you, I love you.” She hangs up, the dead silence on the other end of the line leaves a chilling angst in his chest and he breaks into a run towards the pier.   

 


	3. I'm Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I guess it’s kinda hard to believe we started out hate fucking and now we’re an actual couple.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, turns out I had it mostly finished and just realized it an hour ago!

Some people are so ugly once you get to know them. On the outside, Jean was about as flawless as they came. Toned, tanned skin and aggressive facial features. The type of eyes that you don’t forget. Eren mentally made a pros and cons list of everything about this man, straining herself into a headache trying to make a decision. Of course, it wasn’t fair to count all of his faults against him, was it? He was incredibly selfish and cruel sometimes but other times he could be the most caring, sincere man. While he was a cheater, he was also a hard worker and always took care of her, she knew he would take care of the baby too. But the cheating gnawed away at her self-esteem and sanity. The thought of him in bed with someone else instantly brought tears to her eyes. While she wanted to believe it was mostly behind them, was it really?

She had no idea whether he was being serious about putting the sleeping around behind them. She certainly didn’t trust him at all. She wanted to hope it would come back but it seemed like too much of a risk. Her hand rested over the top of her hard stomach. It wasn’t long before she would begin showing and it was hard not to feel like her youth was being taken from her. She didn’t ask for this and she felt too young to be a mother despite how happy she was about the baby.

“Why’d it have to be with him.” She grunted out loud, too far into her head to even notice she’d spoke. Her face contorted and a sob erupted from her lips. She was in the middle of brewing coffee at work and this definitely wasn’t the ideal time for a breakdown. So when she heard Mr. Rivaille creep up behind her and set something on the counter, she immediately expected the worst.

“What’s wrong now?” Levi sighs, his resting bitch face never ceasing when he speaks.

“Nothing, sir.”

“I’m not an idiot.” His cold stare was enough to make her realize there was no getting past him with this. It would affect her work so it was technically his business.

“Jean slept around with other girls.”

“I already knew that. You think I don’t overhear you gossiping to your friends when they come in? I’ve heard every shitty detail of your little gossip group.” He scoffed, holding a cup of tea to his mouth to take a sip. “Anyway, what of it? This seems like late news.”

“One of them might be pregnant.” She looked up at him, her usual doe-eyed expression gone and replaced with immense sadness. Levi noticed, his attitude quickly changing.

“Well, what happened?”

“I don’t know, she just told him yesterday. I don’t know what I should do or what he’s going to do- What would you do?”

“I’d never be in that situation so it's irrelevant.” She frowned, half expecting to get some decent advice only to be shot down. He sighed, setting his cup down. “Listen, I don’t like to talk about this stuff. It’s inappropriate but I have a hard time saying no to you. You’re the closest thing I have to a kid…so, here we go.” His arms extended and he pulled her into an awkward hug that almost lasted a full two seconds before he pulled away. She stood before him, dumbfounded and cross-eyed; unsure of how to react to everything that’d just happened. She wanted to cry at his words, he was the closest thing she had to a father or decent /living/ family member in general.

“…Thank you, sir?”

“I know you’ll figure it out. I don’t think you should settle for the way he treats you but…he is a good guy. Everyone has their flaws and you won’t find a perfect person. He loves you and I think he can turn around if you make him. Just don’t let him continue this behavior.” He stopped briefly to watch passerbys in front of the shop. “Everyone can change, Eren. If you help him. I used to be a criminal. Now all of my friends are cops.” Levi laughed, this was the most emotion she’d seen him show in her employment here. “You’re a beautiful girl, inside and out. If he doesn’t fight for you, that says a lot more about him than it does you. So just don’t make any brash decisions until you’re sure.”

At this point, Eren was in tears. He’d said everything she’d wanted to hear and more. Unable to hold back, she leaped forward and wrapped her arms around him and gave a tight squeeze.

“Okay brat, that’s enough.” He lightly pried her off of himself, scooting a cupcake across the counter in her direction. 

“I made a fresh batch this morning, thought you could taste test them for me.” Her sadness was practically all diminished for now and a wide grin creased her cheeks at the sight of sweets.

"It's hard work but I guess someone's gotta do it. Count me in." She quickly picked up the cupcake and returned to her spot by the register. 

The deep purples and pinks filtered through the dusty blinds of a local diner; Jean watched the parking lot hopefully. A half empty cup of coffee sitting before him alongside his phone. He’d been staring at the screen for what seemed like days waiting for Eren to call. But she never did. Tomorrow was the day of the appointment and he was torn between randomly showing up despite being told not to and actually listening to her. It was painful for him when he realized how much he already cared about this baby, /their/ baby when he compared it to the other woman’s “pregnancy”. He was still convinced she was faking even if Eren didn’t. The other woman was nothing to him. Her name irrelevant. He barely knew her and wanted nothing to do with her but he sent her a few texts out of obligation. It was a repulsive thought; being nothing more than a responsibility. He had to wonder why she’d put herself in that situation. Was she just desperate for attention or was she really being honest? The thought had him anxiously sipping at his coffee, his right hand shaking as he lowered the cream-colored mug back to the tabletop.

When his phone buzzed demanding attention, he practically jumped out of his skin with anticipation. However, seeing the unknown number pop up shattered the small amount of optimism Jean had left. He hesitated before grabbing the iPhone up and sliding his finger across the glass.

“Hello?” There was silence at first, before a few shallow breaths and a sniffle. “Who is this?”

“Hey, it’s me.” 'Me' could’ve been anyone. But it just so happened that ‘me’ was the blonde. The bane of his existence. He loathed everything about her; especially her voice. It wasn’t fair but he was close to wishing something would happen to her. It was thoughts like these that he knew weren’t normal. The selfish, destructive views that he typically had to keep an eye out for at work.

“Hey.” He recognized the disappointment in his own voice and he could tell she’d done the same from the way she fell completely silent.

“I didn’t want to do it.” He squinted, confusion settling over him as he tried to decipher the emotion in her words. One of his fingers lightly tapped on the table anxiously but he could feel a sense of relief coming on. The dim light at the end of the tunnel.

“I’m not pregnant. God, I just-” Click. He’d heard everything he needed to and after what’d happened, he didn’t feel that he owed her anymore. Quickly blocking the number, Jean pulled up his texts and scrolled until he saw his conversation with Eren. He cringed when he realized how many texts he’d sent her in a row; begging her to acknowledge him. In all honesty, he’d started to worry. His fingers tapped quickly before sending a text to her without bothering to proofread it.

‘shes not pregnant. Call me’

And she did, he didn’t let the phone ring more than once before it was held to his ear.

“Hey you.” Her voice is like a breath of fresh air, she’s been crying he can tell but there’s a sense of confidence in the way she speaks. She’s always been this way with him; unable to turn away even if she should. He admires the way she holds onto their relationship after the countless fuck ups. Every time he thinks she’s gone for good, she comes bounding back even stronger.

“Hey…it’s so good to hear your voice.” More romantic than he usually is but he owes her this. He wants to be her breath of fresh air too. However, he’s met with sniffles and a frustrated exhale. “Are you alright?”

“No…I just want to know if you’re telling the truth this time. I can’t take much more of this Jean, it’s so fucked up.”

“I know, I promise you. She just called me. I blocked her number afterward. Where you at? Wanna come down to the diner and eat some late dinner with me?” She hesitates, before letting out a hum.

“Order me a chili dog and fries, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” The other end of the receiver goes silent and he can’t help but smile. When he manages to flag down the waitress, he orders her two chili dogs and extra fries because he knows that she wants it but doesn’t want to say she does. Ever since they’d gotten together, she had just as big of an appetite as him but he could tell she downplayed it to seem more ladylike. He loved it, though unsure of why she seemed ashamed of herself. Picking at the French fries on his own plate while he waited for her to show up, he eventually snuck a couple off her plate and he quickly realized how alike they were. He had a nervous habit of taking too much; while she always denied herself what she really wanted. This feeling was not like anything he’d felt before. He wanted her but he knew he didn’t deserve the countless chances she was giving him. This decision, mostly hers but partially his, would be huge. And he wasn’t sure whether he was ready to make it just yet.

His hazel eyes drifted upward and he was met with those of his lover’s. He offered her a superficial smile as she slid into the booth across from him.

“We really gotta stop eating out, I’m gonna be huge by the end of /this/.” He couldn’t respond to the comment, still unsure of whether she was okay. ‘You’re beautiful’, he mouthed to her and there was no doubt she’d picked up on it because her ears flushed bright red and she offered him a sincere smile. She didn’t mention the food, immediately beginning to eat. It was awkward for a moment but he copied her behavior, picking nervously at his own food. He waited for her to initiate the conversation but when she never did, he cleared his throat.

“So…”

“Can we just enjoy dinner, I don’t feel like talking about it right now.”

 So they didn’t.

  They walk hand-in-hand along the water’s edge, bare feet kicking up sand in the process. His hand is sweaty yet hers is just warm. Eren seems much calmer in comparison and he has to wonder why.

“I never knew what ‘it’s complicated’ meant until you.” She breaks the silence with a hushed whisper. Her voice cracks at first before coming coarse like sandpaper. He knows this tone only comes when she’s upset or mad. He exhales nervously.

“I could say the same. Nothing was complicated to me before.” He sounds bitter at first, but sincerely he continues. “Nothing really mattered before you, though.” He falters, stopping to look out into the ocean. Maybe he’s looking for answers or somewhere to run but when he looks into the vast distance he realizes that no amount of distance could separate him from the problem he’s currently facing.

“That can’t be true.” She wants him to elaborate and tell her more but he doesn’t. They walk in silence again for some time before she stops and drops her flip flops into the sand.

She reaches for his other hand causing his shoes to hit the sand as well.

“Can you just tell me you love me, please I really just…need to hear it.” She begs, resting her cheek against his chest to listen for his heartbeat. Her toes dig into the cold sand to raise herself up high enough to do this. After a few moments, his arms lace around her waist to pull her closer and she mocks his behavior by lacing wrapping her tan arms around his neck. He rocks her back and forth gently as if they’re dancing to a tune. Even if the only noise that can be heard is the overwhelming crashing of waves, it’s enough.

“I love you.” He tells her, but it doesn’t feel good enough. “I love you.” He repeats again, this time it's more demanding. He kisses her cheek and then her ear before whispering the words again. Her eyes begin to water and despite how cliché this is, she loves it. She’d always told herself she was above romance. She didn’t need someone to do this for her but when it came from Jean, it was just too good.

“It means so much to hear you say that…now you have to show me. Show me you love me.” She works up the courage to look up at him and immediately regrets it. He’s crying too and as blissful as the sight is, she can’t look for too long. But the memory is committed and she’ll recall it on many occasions in the future. The way tears collected in his lashes and the look in his eyes. The look is as if he's seeing her for the first and last time. As if he’d finally began to see her and their future in an appealing light. The look of love is in his eyes.

“I don’t know how.” He gasps but holds her tighter. His lower lip quivers as he sniffles away the emotion and pulls himself together. “But I’ll figure it out. I promise.” He’d never been one to believe in soulmates or even love for that matter. Because maybe it didn’t exist. He knew he loved his family and he was beginning to love her in a similar way. A way that he knew he wanted her around and wanted to wake up next to her. It was scary because he’d never felt this way but god, he was in too deep to back out now.

“Thank you.” She reaches for one of his hands, gently lowering it to rest against her stomach. It was too soon to really feel anything but it settled them both.

“What are we gonna do Eren? This isn’t going to be easy.”

“I know, I don’t really care. I just wanna be stuck in this situation with you, idiot.” She laughs before moving away from him to collect her shoes and shake the sand out of them.

“Yeah?” He grins fiendishly. “God, we’ve come so far. Remember when you and I used to borderline fist fight? Now we’re having a baby.” He doesn’t even wince when the confession leaves his lips. Conditioning himself to the truth had never been easy but he was brutally honest with everyone else so why not himself?

“Yeah, that one time I broke into your house just to dump ice water on you.”

“Shut up, that was the first time we kissed, dork. It was worth being woken up to you and…that. You were so drunk.” He bumped into her on purpose, nudging her arm with his as they walked back. Finally, she took the hint and grabbed his hand.

“You kissed me.”

“I’m pretty sure you kissed first.” He laughed, unsure of where this was even going but it felt good. Their banter had been something of a joke inside of their friend circle but now that they were together, it was less common than it used to be.

“I guess I did, huh?” Jean picked her hand up and held it to his lips to give her a quick kiss. “I’d do it again too.”

“I’d hope so, I’ve given you the best sex and you can’t deny that.”

“Yeah well, I do the same for you.”

“Uh huh. I guess it’s kinda hard to believe we started out hate fucking and now we’re an actual couple.” Everything that’s happened in the past few days seems awful cliché to Jean but maybe it’s just that way because it’s real. These things, they happen when people get into something this deep. He’d always been more of a realist and he recognizes the chances of them lasting are not good but for the first time, he really wants to be wrong about it.

“I think I knew from the beginning we’d end up like this. I guess that’s why I always gave you such a hard time.” He winks; she’s pleasantly surprised.

“You’re such a hopeless romantic.” He is and he isn’t. Right now, he is. But tomorrow morning when he’s not high on her scent and the moonlight he might not feel the same.

“Only for you.” When they return to the parking lot, her car is parked beside his and she almost asks him if she can come with him but she doesn’t. It didn’t work out so well last time.

“Wanna come over?” He suggests and she laughs. It’s painful for her to say no but she does.

“Sorry, I gotta feed my cat.” Blurting out any excuse, Jean squints and watches her curiously.

“You don’t even have a cat.”

“Shit.” She laughs and he does the same. “I just don’t trust myself I guess. But I really do have to go home.”

“Okay well, how about I follow you home and if you want to, you can invite me inside. If you don’t want to, I’ll give you a kiss goodnight and walk you to your front door.” She nods, unsure of how to handle this new side to Jean Kirschtein. It feels superficial but she’s a believer that all people can change. Or maybe he was like this all along and just needed time. Either way, she takes his intentions as good. And they are but she has a sinking feeling she shouldn’t get her hope up that this will stick.


End file.
